"Security can be the focus. You're adopting much greater self-reliance. Hazy Neptune has a message along the lines of it is better to be reasonably self sufficient than at the mercy of others' support. Learning how to work with individual differences will be key. A strong work ethic assists now in getting some big jobs out of the way. Better attention to your own well being can provide adjustments and improvements in health matters." - Ed Tamplin.
When you fight so long to see light that you end up with nothing left than to stare blankly at the ceiling with all of the thoughts that have been tormenting you ceasing and compacting to one word, created out of over-analysis caused exhaustion; "numb". And let the beginning of the tears you thought you had none left of because you have been fighting so hard you haven't cried since last summer, fall as your eyes cross. And then vomit your head into the pillows on your bed and moan "everything is ashes" like a mantra through ignored phone calls and slight worry and a blood nose but none of it really matters because it's all ash confetti and it's all in pieces and besides the turmoil and sadness, you're still numb and nothing but wallowing in sorrow matters.
And then right before you pass out from being devoid of all emotion and slight release, there is only one direction left. And some light filters in. And you smirk a little at the comical way you must've looked and the cliched parallel of your mind's chosen words to Melancholia's most noted line and for one moment you romanticize yourself as perhaps looking like Kirsten Dunst in that moment of eternal sadness but you didn't, you looked like a tear stained crack addict.
And there are still no answers but the need for them has gone because a helpful part of the numbness remains and filters anything that might cause further exhaustion because fighting takes more energy than not caring. And you are free again.
We never know "the universe" per se; we know the universe is filtered through our consciousness, and when consciousness alters, the known universe alters. Crowley defined Magick as "the art of causing change by act or will"...Dr Wheeler has proposed that every atomic or sub-atomic experiment we perform changes every particle in the universe every whichway in time, back to the Big Bang. The universe becomes constant creation...We may have to abandon Aristotelian logic; i.e. give up classifying things into only the two categories of "true and real" and "untrue and unreal".
- Robert Anton Wilson "Email to the Universe and other alterations of consciousness"
All we have are our perceptions. The way we choose to act on our limited knowledge has universal consequences beyond time. And everything is a shade of grey. My duck is real.
"We make ourselves billboards, aimed at the economic satisfaction of needs."
"In digital photography, all negativity is erased. It requires neither a darkroom nor development. No negative precedes it. It is a pure positive. Becoming, aging, dying - all this is eliminated: Not only does it commonly have the fate of paper (perishable), but even if it is attached to more lasting supports, it is still mortal; like a living organism, it is born on the level of the sprouting silver grains, it flourishes a moment, then ages. Attacked by light, by humidity, it fades, weakens, vanishes. Roland Barthes connected photography with a way of life, for which negativity is constitutive of time....Digital photogaphy is accompanied by a completely different way of life that continuously rids itself of negativity. It is a transparent photography without birth or death, fate or incident."
-Byung-Chul Han, Transparent Society via I Love You Magazine.
For the boy who used to follow his mother around the house playing guitar with his hands and harmonica with his mouth.
I'd travel the US with you. I'd entertain your Keroac fantasies and help to make it as romantically nostalgic as you wished. We'd walk hand in hand and catch trains together. You could skate and I'd have a bike. We would have an old mustang or cadillac for a bit but ditch it when we decided to hitch across to the next state. We'd both have milky white skin despite being in the sun all the time and we'd make love in long grass. And we'd stay at friend's houses. You know so many people. And we'd sleep on their spare pull out lounges and hug all the time. You'd sketch and I'd swim and you'd paint and I'd write and keep a collage track of what we'd done together. We'd go to San Francisco. We'd always run late because you refuse to rush and I don't like to rush you. But we'd always get there eventually. We'd drink lots of water in the day and wine or whiskey in the night and I wouldn't get angry from the whiskey because we'd be together and you would dance with me or make me laugh. We'd go to spiritual landscapes in California and local bands in Texas and drink beer. We'd always make time for breakfast. And we would always walk hand in hand. We are the peaceful people. You'd meet up with the band to tour and I would come and sit in the back of the car, sequinning costumes to wear to the gigs. Because every band needs a Penny Lane. And while you practiced I would dance. I would dance in hotel rooms and quiet venue's stages and when I'd get a show you would come and watch me and love me from the audience and it would bring you happiness.We would write music together in bus shelters and I'd write the words and you would make the tune and we would spend nights drunkenly playing alone, together. We would be creating together and I would put glitter on your face.
And we would bring each other peace and joy.
What would you do if you had no risk of failure? And no financial restraints?
I would go iceskating, I would build a teepee, I would look at art, I would make out at the drive in, I would learn how to skate, I would go bushwalking (no leeches) and go swimming in a waterhole, I want to stand under a waterfall. I would hit the road. Again. With loved ones. I would make a list of all the magical places I've ever heard about and go to them. Still with loved ones. I would have a cottage. A cottage with a picket fence, briar roses, some jersey cows, ducks and a border collie. I would buy a theatre. An art deco theatre in San Francisco and I'd turn it into a burlesque theatre with big sets like they used to have on the New York circuit. I would sing in a band that plays at Coachella and wear crazy outfits on stage. It would tour. I want Poppit to be the drummer. I would meet Joan Jett. I would write, publish and make all types of things just for fun and have other people see them and like them. I would be peaceful, I would be one of those magical people that you only meet a handful of times in your life and think "wow, they're special, they made me feel warm and fuzzy and accepted and like I can do anything."
I realised the other day that I often say things purely to be responded to with a "no". And it got me thinking about limits, boundaries and how good it sometimes feels to be powerless.
In a world of overwhelming choices and potential sometimes it's nice to have limits imposed. To be out of control. To have someone else take charge, take the reins and make the decisions, and in doing so, look after you. To be controlled is also to be put in someone else's posession. To be owned, even for a short amount of time means giving up the responsibility of one's self. And in that complete powerlessness is complete freedom.
"...But if you consider this in human terms, and you imagine a person defined by a desperation to be liked, what do you see? You see a person without integrity, without a centre. In more pathological cases, you see a narcissist - a person who can't tolerate the tarnishing of his or her self image that not being liked represents, and who therefore either withdraws from human contact or goes to extreme, integrity sacrificing lengths to be likeable. If you dedicate your existence to being likable, however, and if you adopt whatever cool persona is necessary to make it happen, it suggests that you've despaired of being loved for who you really are, and if you succeed in manipulating other people into liking you, it will be hard not to feel, at some level, contempt for those people, because they've fallen for your shtick."
-Jonathan Franzen. New York Times
Vimalaji on Intensive Self Education (on humility and space)
"When you expose yourself psychologically to the space [space between happenings around us and ourselves, or between happenings and our mind's reactions to those happenings], the grandeur and magnificence of that emptiness full of life melts away all your pride of knowledge, scholarship and erudition. The grandeur of that mystery having no centre, and having no periphery soaks your being and all the proide of "I" and its acquisition melts away without your effort....emptiness of space fills your being with a new humility. You become aware then of the infinity of life which is a mystery which words will never uncover."
"The content of humility is receptivity. Normally we are receptive with a motive...Receptivity is limited by our ambitions, wishes, desires, tendencies, inclinations [our minds]. Humility is total uninhibited receptivity without any ambition and therefore the mystery of totality of life can operate upon us without any resistence whatsoever."
Does humility therefore cancel out the "I". The ego. And therefore, shame? To be humble, to gently manouvre away from ego driven vanity, which feeds shame, to a place where humility allows friendly curiosity and gentle inquiry. To be humble and without ego driven shame therefore allows one to live in a more open way. Is the answer to everything in humility?